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Please turn with me in your Bibles 
to Colossians chapter 3. Colossians 3, as we work our 
way through Paul's letter to the Saints in Colossae, we have 
been looking at a portrait or a picture of the new man in Christ 
Jesus. We saw in chapter three, verses 
one to four, that the new man seeks those things which are 
above where Christ is. He sets his mind on things above, 
not on things on the earth. The new man also puts off vice 
or wickedness or sin, and he puts on righteousness or godliness 
or virtue. And he does this not only individually, 
but he does this corporately within the context of the local 
church. And he also does this in the 
context of the home. We saw last week wives submit 
to your own husbands, as is fitting, in the Lord. And the reason that 
a wife, a Christian wife, is to do that is because she's a 
new man. And again, man there is inclusive. It defines our relationship with 
reference to the Lord Jesus Christ. So we see that the new man in 
Christ has relationship and is to function in the manner in 
which God has purposed. I'll just pick up reading in 
chapter three at verse eighteen. We'll read through chapter four, 
verse one. Wives, submit to your own husbands 
as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and 
do not be bitter toward them. Children, obey your parents in 
all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, 
do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged. 
Bondservants, obey in all things your masters according to the 
flesh, not with eye service as men pleasers, but in sincerity 
of heart, fearing God. And whatever you do, do it heartily, 
as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you 
will receive the reward of the inheritance, for you serve the 
Lord Christ. But he who does wrong will be 
repaid for what he has done, and there is no partiality. Masters, 
give your bond servants what is just and fair, knowing that 
you also have a master in heaven. Amen. Let us pray. Our God and our Father, we come 
again to consider your Holy Scripture and we pray for the ministry 
of your spirit. We confess, Lord God, that apart 
from Jesus, we can do nothing and we need his aid. We need 
him to speak as the prophet to his church through his word and 
by his spirit. We pray that You would forgive 
each one of us of all of our sins and cleanse us in the blood 
of Christ afresh and cause us to receive the things that You 
have for us, God, and help us to implement biblical truth in 
our lives. Help us genuinely to conduct 
ourselves as new men in Christ Jesus. Help us, Lord God, to 
keep our minds firmly rooted in Christ. and to seek the scriptures 
and to pray and to just seek that aid, God, which comes alone 
or comes from you alone. And we pray that the gospel would 
be worked out or would be fleshed out in our daily lives, that 
that justification that we have received freely by your grace 
would indeed promote sanctification and godly living. And we ask 
in the name and for the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen. Well, remember there in verse 
eleven of chapter three, Paul says that God is creating a new 
humanity through the Lord Jesus. He says where there is neither 
Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, 
slave nor free. But Christ is all and in all. Some may be tempted to think 
that because of that statement, that distinctions are gone and 
relationships are gone. We're all just sort of one mass 
now in Christ. and we're all on the equal playing 
field. Well, this has to do with redemptive 
unity in Christ. We are joint heirs in Christ. There isn't some that are more 
justified and others that are less justified in Christ. We have received every spiritual 
blessing in the heavenly places by God's grace and mercy. And then we see that in life, 
this gospel, this grace promotes or should produce in us proper 
relationships to each other. Again, last week we saw wives 
submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. And 
this morning we're going to take up verse 19. And just by way 
of reminder, Murray Harris describes this section this way. He says 
this whole section shows that to pursue the realm above, as 
we are instructed in chapter three, verse one, and to be preoccupied 
with its affairs. Chapter three, verse two, does 
not promote an aesthetic other worldliness. Now, for those who 
have not been with us for some time, an ascetic otherworldliness, 
asceticism basically teaches that if we avoid certain things, 
we don't touch certain things, or we don't taste certain things, 
we don't go certain places, then we'll be holy and we'll be godly. 
But that's not the case, so that's not the point in this particular 
context. God doesn't save us and put us 
in monasteries. God doesn't save us and ask us 
to go live on the top of a mountain or go live in a hut. God saves 
us so that we'll function properly in society and bring glory and 
honor unto him. So, Harris goes on. He says that 
this preoccupation with things above it is a wholehearted commitment 
to the daily duties of this world for the sake of the Lord. And 
then Paul highlights three areas or three pairs of relationship, 
wives to husbands, husbands to wives, children to parents, parents 
to child, and then bond servants to masters and masters to bond 
servants. So that's the overall context. There are two aspects of verse 
19 men that you need to take to consideration, not just the 
men, obviously the ladies, because they're going to want to hopefully 
do like this and say, you better pay attention. There might have 
been some of that going on last week when we were addressing 
the women. Probably some of your brothers were saying, please, 
God, help her to hear this. Help her to receive this Lord. 
Help her to take this in. There's two two parts in this 
particular command in verse 19. There is, first of all, the command 
to love your wife. And secondly, there is a prohibition 
against bitterness. A prohibition against bitterness. Let's take up the first part. 
Husbands, love your wives. And there's three things I want 
to look at this morning as we consider this command to love 
your wife. And the first is that some general 
considerations. It's interesting, as Paul has 
highlighted the role of a woman. He says, be submissive to your 
own husbands. We would almost expect him then 
to address the husband in terms of ruler or in terms of leadership. But that's not what he does. 
He says, husbands, you're to love your wives. We would expect 
him, after having addressed the one who is to submit, to then 
address the one who is being submitted to and say, you need 
to rule this way, you need to govern this way, you need to 
conduct yourself this way. Well, he does in a manner. And 
one of the commentators said this, and it's, I think, very 
perceptive. A husband's legal authority over 
his wife was such that she had little hope of redress at law 
for harsh or unfeeling conduct on his part. But such a situation 
should not arise in a Christian household. The forbearance and 
forgiveness, which are enjoined in the preceding section of the 
letter, together with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness 
and patience forbid a Christian man to be harsh in his treatment 
of anyone, especially of his own wife. It's an excellent statement. Remember, as we looked at the 
new man in his community or in his church, remember there in 
verse fourteen, above all these things. So you all verse fourteen, 
but above all these things, put on love, which is the bond of 
perfection. Let me just tell you, brother, 
something, you're not going to love your neighbor as yourself. 
You're not going to love sinners. You're not going to love heathen. 
You're not going to love pagans. You're not going to love your 
pastors. You're not going to love your fellow churchmen unless 
you love your wife. If you don't have that down, 
if you don't have the ABCs of exercising love to the gift that 
God has given you. You're certainly not going to 
engage in loving brethren who irritate you. So you need to 
take this to heart and you need to get a good grip on it. I think 
the commands particularly here are born out of the wisdom of 
God. Women are inherently going to 
love. They need to temper it with reverence 
for their husband. Men are inherently going to rule 
and lead. They need to temper it with love. See, God is infinitely wise. God knows us better than we know 
ourselves. I love what John Eady says that 
Scottish Presbyterian commentator in the 19th century. He says, 
Husbands are not to be domestic tyrants, but their dominion is 
to be a reign of love. You'll love that. That's a great 
statement. I want to stress these things 
because there's two excesses in modern evangelicalism or in 
the reform community, or perhaps it's just a North American thing. 
On the one hand, you have passive men that don't do what they're 
supposed to do. Men who have abdicated their authority. Men 
who are really women, but in a man's body. Men who are effeminate. Men who are emasculated. And 
I'm speaking spiritually here. Or on the other hand, we've got 
this machismo bravado that if the man doesn't drive a great 
big truck and if he doesn't shoot lots of guns and eat lots of 
meat, then somehow he's not a real man. Those are excesses. Those are imbalances. Those are 
not the biblical portrait that we find in the Holy Scripture. Husbands are not to be domestic 
tyrants, but their dominion is to be a reign of love. The second thing I want to consider 
with reference to this command to love is the biblical standard. And I'm thinking of two passages 
in particular. If you are told or commanded 
that you must love, what should be the thing that you think about? 
If you don't know, I'm going to tell you, you should think 
about 1st Corinthians 13 and you should think about Jesus, 
especially as husbands. You should think about 1st Corinthians 
13 and you should think about Jesus. Ephesians chapter 5. Let's look at the definition 
in 1st Corinthians 13. Husbands love your wives. What does that mean? It means 
to be patient with them. To be longsuffering toward them. Isn't that one of the attributes 
or perfections of God that just makes you marvel? He's longsuffering. Isn't it? Think about you in 
relation to God. Is he longsuffering? Yes. Think about you in relation to 
his word is God longsuffering? Yes. Husbands, we need to be 
long suffering or patient with our wives. Now, if you look at 
first Corinthians 13, you must be struck by the reality that 
love is not simply a feeling. It's not just simply a warm thought 
that I get when I consider my bride. You know what love is, 
according to the Bible, it is obedience in terms of God's love. Romans 13, for a very good illustration 
of that. How do I know I'm loving and 
fulfilling God's command or fulfilling God's command there to love? Well, I don't murder people. 
I don't commit adultery. I don't steal. I don't covet. 
I don't lie on sheep. Oh, you say, well, that's just 
so. No, that's biblical love. Feelings come and feelings go, 
as Luther said, but feelings are deceiving. My warrant is 
the word of God. None else is worth believing. 
Somebody might come along and say, well, I don't know that 
you really love me. Well, let's define love and then we'll talk. Love is patient, brothers. Love 
is kind. I think that's a difficult one 
for some of us. Being kind, being gentle, manifesting 
that fruit of the spirit. Realizing that our lives are 
differently built than we are, and I'm not just talking about 
physically. Every man in here ought to be able to out bench 
press their wives to be sure, but that's not the difference 
that I'm speaking of. Speaking about emotionally. Spiritually. It was the good doctor Richard 
said that women are more prone to the things of religion because 
they're already dispositionally more sensitive and delicate. I like that. We're going to see 
that in just a moment. First, Peter three, we need to 
understand our wives. Love does not envy. Love is not 
proud. It doesn't parade itself. Love 
does not behave rudely. All of us men could stand to 
meditate and memorize that particular section. What you brothers might 
do in front of other brothers, you don't need to necessarily 
do for your wives. Love is not or love does not 
seek its own. Isn't that the essence of love? See, we've got this mindset, 
I'm going to get married so I can get so I can get so I can get 
so I can get. Marriage is about so I can give, 
so I can give, so I can give. What characterized the old man 
in Adam is selfishness, it's pride, it's me first. What characterizes the new man 
in Christ is Christ first and then others. Isn't that what 
Paul says is the general responsibility of each and every Christian in 
Philippians 2? Esteem others as better than 
yourself. Don't look out just for your 
own interests, but look out for the interests of others. We come 
out of the womb saying mine. We come out of the womb screaming 
me. We come out of the womb screaming 
for our rights and our benefits and our privileges. But by God's 
grace, we should come out of the womb of regeneration, putting 
others first. Where ought that to be fleshed 
out in a Christian home than with a husband and a wife? Love 
is not provoked. What does he mean by that? I 
think he means that you are forbearing and that you have patience and 
that you're not easily set off by everything. Do you ever kind 
of get in those modes? Maybe I'm the only one, but everything 
seems to set you off. If you're smart, you'll say, 
you know, I probably shouldn't hang around people today. I take 
Monday off. That's not. I mean, it is primarily 
for me to be off on Monday, but secondarily, it's for all of 
you as well. You don't want to be around me on Monday. I'm sorry. Not that I'm a pagan or I go 
worship Satan or I do horrific things like that. It's just Sabbath 
is necessary. There's times, brethren, in a 
Christian home where things get on our nerves, but love is not 
provoked. You're not immediately concluding 
your wife has it in for you. She is. She has a conspiracy 
against you. She's plotting your demise at 
every step of the way. She's against you. She's going 
to ruin you. No, love doesn't provoke like 
that. Love rejoices in truth. This needs to be recovered in 
our homes, not just justification by faith, but the definition 
of sin. Sometimes husband and wives have 
issues with one another that aren't said issues. God's made 
us all differently. We have our own idiosyncrasies. 
That means weird things about us. Right, that's what an idiosyncrasy 
is, a weird thing about us that may not necessarily be sin. So if a husband or wife comes 
to one another and says, you've sinned against me. Well, wait 
a minute. The Bible doesn't say I can't do that. Let's rejoice 
in truth, honey. Let's live according to God's 
word. Love bears all things again, the vow before a wedding for 
better or for worse. For better or for worse, love 
believes all things. I think, again, that means it 
puts things in the best possible light. If your wife disappoints 
you, perhaps it was a mistake. Perhaps she genuinely made a 
mistake. She's not trying to get you. 
She's not trying to finish you off. Love hopes all things. Love endures all things. And as I survey this particular 
list, there's two obstacles that I see in this heart and I've 
seen in pastoral experience to actually fulfilling what first 
Corinthians 13 says. Those two big obstacles are pride 
and selfishness, pride and selfishness. You may be sitting here to say 
and say, well, that's not my issue. I doubt it. We are all 
proud and we're all selfish. Some in differing degrees, to 
be sure, but don't ever say, oh, that couldn't be me. That's 
just not me. I'm the most humble and selfless 
person I know. In fact, I wrote a book, Humility 
and How I Mastered It. No, if you wrote that book, you 
are a contradiction. Pride and selfishness. And I 
think we looked at the lady's responsibility last week to be 
submissive to their own husbands. What are two obstacles? Pride 
and selfishness. Lady says the Scripture says 
you need to submit your own. I don't want to submit to him. 
Why not? Because I'm proud and I'm selfish. 
Reverend, we're not faking God out. Do you know that the scripture 
says that a man that committed gross acts of wickedness was 
a man after God's own heart? David of Israel, when we read 
that he was a man after God's own heart, it cannot be because 
he maintained marital fidelity. It cannot be because he never 
shed innocent blood. He was a man after God's own 
heart because he sided with God in the indictment of himself. 
The best way to kill pride is to understand the gospel, to 
understand other men of God in the scripture. And instead of 
arguing and saying, well, I'm not really proud and I'm not 
really selfish, it must be her. Embrace it, confess it, forsake 
it, and you will find mercy. That's what the scripture says. 
He who buries or covers his transgression shall not prosper, Proverbs 28, 
13 says. Whoever confesses and forsakes 
it shall find mercy. I don't doubt, brethren, that 
if some of you are listening and the Spirit of God is at work, 
I am not God. I am not the Spirit. But if you 
are like me, you will probably need to go home today or sometime 
in the near future and confess some sin to your bride. Pride and selfishness, then look 
at the example of Jesus in Ephesians five, we won't get too much into 
this because it's been rehearsed recently in the congregation. But just a few points of interest 
with reference to Christ's love for his bride, which is the church. In Ephesians, chapter five, the 
first point is that he loves one church, particularly and 
exclusively, he is faithful and monogamous. I always think about 
that instance in Ezekiel 24. When I think about this, you 
say that's a strange leap from Ephesians five to Ezekiel 24. Remember what God said to the 
prophet Ezekiel. You may not, because you didn't 
just look at Ezekiel 24 before church. God wants to teach Israel 
a lesson. God is going to shut down the 
southern tribes. God is going to send them into 
Babylonian captivity. The Babylonians are going to 
come in and destroy their temple. That was the desire of their 
eyes, the desire of their heart. It was that which separated them 
from all the other peoples and nations. So in order to teach 
Judah a lesson, he tells the prophet, son of man, I am going 
to take the desire of your eyes. Who's he talking about? And the 
next day, my wife was dead. So the prophet says. The prophet 
didn't say which desire of my eyes, Lord, the one on the Internet, 
the one in my neighborhood, the one in the locker at work. He 
knew the desire of his eyes were was it was his wife. Faithful monogamous. You say, 
I do, you better mean it. You better mean it. Jesus maintains 
intimacy with his church, Revelation 113. I love that statement that 
he saw one like the son of man standing in the midst of the 
lampstands. Where is Christ today? He is 
in the midst of his lampstand. Those churches, albeit imperfectly, 
who preach the truth, who administer the sacraments properly, and 
who exercise church discipline, which is the well-received definition 
of what church does, Jesus is with them. He's intimate. We get to Revelation 2 and 3. 
And what does Jesus say over and over again to these churches? 
I know your words. I know your words. I know your 
words. I know your words. He commends them for the good. 
He praises them. They're not perfect. They haven't 
done everything exactly up to specification, but he praises 
them nonetheless. And then he condemns them or 
reproves them for where they fall into sin. The point is, 
he's intimate. He's there. He's with her. He knows us. He loves us. He 
cares for us. And he's actually wanting to 
be with us. Just amazes me. He is not ashamed of his church, 
according to Hebrews two eleven. We'll see this on Wednesday night. 
What does the Bible say concerning Christ? He is not ashamed to 
call them brethren. It's not an amazing statement. Sometimes men can get ashamed 
of their wives. Sometimes men are so wicked they 
begin to start judging their wives based on another woman. 
You better not be ashamed of her. That's your bride. That's 
the gift God gave you. You're not ashamed of her. Jesus demonstrates his love. We're told by the Apostle John, 
let us not love a loving word only, but indeed an intrude. 
What do you think John's thinking about? He's thinking about Jesus. 
Jesus didn't look down from heaven and say, well, I really love 
you. No, he came and he died for us. The Son of Man came to 
be, did not come to be served, but to serve, to give his life 
a ransom for many. That means his love is sacrificial. Ephesians 5, 25. Husbands, love 
your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself 
for her. Sacrificial love, self-denying 
love, esteeming her as better than your self-love. If your 
idea of godly manhood is sitting on the chair, pounding your fist 
and telling you to rub your feet and get you a beverage, you have 
not learned at the school of Jesus. I don't care how macho 
or bravado you think you are. If you are not like Jesus in 
self-sacrificial love, you've missed it. You're in sin. You need to repent. His love, 
according to this passage, is calculated to promote health 
and strength. That's what nourish means there 
in verse twenty nine. For no one ever hated his own 
flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as the Lord does the 
church. His love is calculated to promote 
health and strength. Do you know that your wife should 
get better looking as you move on? Defying the second law of thermodynamics, 
not defying the law of gravity, not defying entropy and all those 
things that go along with a sin-cursed world. There's going to be sags, 
there's going to be extra weight gain, there's just going to be 
those things. But she should become more lovely. Unto your love. Right. The church, I understand, 
we don't always see this, but under Jesus love, we are becoming 
more lovely. Don't always feel like it might 
feel like the blemish on the skin at times, but Jesus is nourishing 
his body and then he cherishes. This means that his love is calculated 
to impart warmth. So this isn't a love like, OK, 
you wake up in the morning, you say, OK, I've been kind. Check. 
I've not suffered. I've suffered long. Check. I've 
not envied her. Check. I have not provoked her 
to evil or I've been provoked to evil. Check. I haven't envied 
her. Check. Boy, I just really love 
my wife. Obedience in terms of God's law 
means not only the actual check, but the heart disposition that 
goes along with the check. We don't grimace when we obey 
God. We don't resent God while we 
obey God. We obey God from the heart. So we looked at some general 
thoughts, the biblical standard. How about some specific areas? 
How can a man love his wife? I have three pray for her, provide 
for her and protect her. There's probably a lot more. 
This is just one sermon on a very important topic. But these three 
brethren, I think if you get these in your head and heart, 
they will keep you busy for many, many years to come. The first 
is pray for her. And by that, I don't just mean 
pray for her, though I do mean that. But I mean, pray with her. 
I mean, that spiritual element of your leadership. You instruct 
her, you disciple her. You love her. You spend time 
with her in Bible and in theology. We have this idea today that 
as long as a woman has some relational theology down, she's good. In 
other words, as long as she reads a book on being a godly wife, 
she's good. She needs to understand the Trinity. 
She needs justification by faith. She needs the perfections of 
God. She needs theology. Where you come in, brother. In 
your praying for her, you are following the example of Jesus, 
the sanctification of his bride, Ephesians 526, the ultimate presentation 
of his bride, Ephesians 527, and the consummate holiness of 
his bride, Ephesians 527. You see, you're not just a walking 
paycheck. As a Christian husband, you are 
a spiritual provider. You are one to nourish and one 
to cherish. You are there to pray for her 
and with her. You are to encourage her, you 
are to carve out time so that she can spend time in the cultivation 
of her own private devotional life. Might say, man, my wife, she's 
just not that godly. She just doesn't read that much. 
Well, yeah, maybe because she has no time. Provide for her. In Exodus 21 
in verse 10, which we will not deal with. I only want to highlight 
a principle from it. It is talking about when a son 
of Israel took another wife. I understand that there's polygamy 
in the Old Testament. That's not the point. The point 
that I want you to see under this general thought of provide 
for her is this. In Exodus 21, 10, it says, if 
he takes another wife, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing 
and her marriage rights. The idea is, is if I took another 
wife, which I am not for, I condemn that biblically, doctrinally 
and practically. One is tough enough. As I'm sure 
she'd say of me. But if I were to take another, 
according to Exodus 21, 10. I am not to diminish the former's 
food, clothes or sexual needs. Now, how much more as one Christian 
man who's married one Christian woman, you need to make sure 
that her cupboards are filled, her closets are filled and her 
sexual needs are fulfilled. That's God's law. Paul says it this way in first 
Timothy five, eight. But if anyone does not provide 
for his own, especially those of his own household, he has 
denied the faith. He is worse than an unbeliever. If I were to sit you down on 
your own in a room and give you a pencil and say, what is that 
set of sins wherein God would say you are acting like an unbeliever? Oh, if I went out and committed 
adultery, if I did this or I stole a bank or I embezzled from my 
employer, I did this or I did that. Would you ever dream that 
it was your wife's cupboards, closets and bed? Paul says that 
is to deny the faith. We will see what a master must 
do or a servant must do in this passage. You serve or you work 
to bring glory to God, to bring honor to the Lord and to provide 
for your wife and your children. And protect her. You know, trying 
to think about this, we don't walk out of our front doors having 
to fight back lions. There's no fire-breathing dragons 
that I've seen in Chilliwack that we need to protect our wives 
from. You know, you got this picture of the guy with his shield 
and his sword, and he's ready to throw down with all comers 
with reference to his wife. He wants to defend her. He wants 
to protect her. He wants to do what God says. 
Well, there are some things that we need to remember. We protect 
her first and foremost from ungodly men. We don't send her into dangerous 
positions. We don't send her into difficult 
situations. Yeah, honey, just drive down 
to, you know, L.A. and go wandering around the streets 
there and ask people where you are. If you do that, man, you need 
a lobotomy. I was part of a group that got 
robbed in L.A. We parked far away from our destination 
and one of the guys I was with, this was many, many years ago, 
one of the guys I was with started asking people, I have no idea 
where we are. Can you tell me where we are? 
Oh yeah, sure, let me take everything you have first. We live in increasingly dangerous 
age, in an increasingly dangerous age. It would be nice if we didn't 
have to lock our windows or lock our doors. It would be nice if 
we could just, you know, sing zippity-doo-dah as we run down 
to the store to get a loaf of bread or milk or whatever. We 
need to protect our lives. We need to protect her from ungodly 
influences. ungodly influences. We need to know her and see what 
she's doing. Not micromanaging, jealous, wretched. I gotta watch everything you 
do or else, you know, that's bad. No, but have an idea. Understand. And we need to protect 
her from ungodly doctrine. As I thought about this, I just 
listed a few. Romanism, legalism, antinomianism, 
mysticism, humanism, feminism. You know where most of these 
things are found today? In your local Christian bookstore. Right? I'm not even talking about Walmart. 
You're going to get a steady dose of Romanism, legalism, antinomianism, 
mysticism, humanism, feminism. You're going to get that at Walmart. 
You're also going to get in the Christian bookstore. Now, that's 
not to say, let's go stand out there and boycott them. Well, 
if you feel led to write a letter and encourage them to get better 
books, that's a good idea. The point is, husbands, know 
what your wife is reading. The shack. What an impact the 
shack has made. He doesn't know what's in that 
book. Oh, yes, we should understand 
that it's a point of contact. Point of dialogue. OK, great. 
But do not not not even great. I'm not actually there. The doctrine 
of the Trinity is seriously maligned in that book. We can glean a 
lot from it. Yeah. How not to think about 
the Trinity. Protect her. So that's the brief 
command to love again, many more things could be said. Look at 
the prohibition against bitterness again. I think the wisdom of 
God here. Not, I think it is the wisdom of God, love your 
wives and do not be bitter toward them. He doesn't say don't smack 
them, don't beat them, don't put them in a closet, don't tie 
them up, don't do harsh and vicious things to them. Generally speaking, 
as new men in Christ, that's not our temptation. Our temptation 
is bitterness. Our temptation is just to have 
a feeling of unsettledness. What is bitterness? What is harshness? 
The definition is, get this, to make bitter. Dazzling, eh? To become bitter. The verb has the idea of being 
sharp, harsh, and bitter. It speaks of friction caused 
by impatience and thoughtless nagging. Now, as I read that 
in this lexicon, I thought, was that the thoughtless nagging 
from the wife or was that the thoughtless nagging from the 
guy? I think it's the guy. There's a book by a man by the 
name of Lou Priolo called The Complete Husband. I think there's 
enough in your Bible to give you a world of material to study 
until Jesus comes to learn how to love your wives. But I thought 
he got kind of nailed some areas where men are harsh or men are 
bitter toward their wives. He says an unwillingness to grant 
requests made by their wives. Now, again, obviously a wife 
could say, honey, I want, I want, I want, I want. You know, the 
leech, according to the Proverbs, has two daughters, give and give. Well, yeah, if your wife is that 
leech, then maybe you need to put the brakes on it. But, you 
know, some of us men will spend all kinds of money on whatever 
our hobby is, and our wife's cupboards or closets are still 
bare. There's a certain principle, 
I think, here. Cough up. You can give to once 
in a while. You can imitate the leech in 
that particular realm. Give once in a while. He says, 
granting or granting those requests begrudgingly or with whining. So just no, no, no, but they 
OK, I'll cough up and then whining about it or holding it against 
her forever. Well, now I've got to go buy 
a new set of golf clubs. I get to go buy a new car. Whoa, 
dude, that's bitterness. Refusing to allow their wives 
to appeal the decision. Again, we get this biblical doctrine 
of the husband is the head of the family, the head of the wife, 
and he might make a decision. If she thinks it's folly, maybe 
she has a good perspective. You may hear what she has to 
say. You may weigh it in the balance. You may see the bigger 
picture. You may see an implication, but you're willing to entertain. 
And you know, God is good very often. Our wives stop us from 
doing very foolish things. Maybe not you guys, maybe it's 
just me being discontent with a wife's performance of their 
duties, fussing about their wives, neglect of domestic responsibilities 
without offering any help. I was thinking about Farrell. 
OK, I want you to make twice as many bricks, but we're not 
going to supply the straw. There's one thing to just complain 
about your wife's performance of her duties and another thing 
to say, honey, I'm going to do all the dishes or I'm going to 
do all the laundry. I'm going to do all this. That may not 
be the answer. It may be. I'm going to take 
the kids out and throw the ball with them. Answering wives in a rude or 
condescending way, instead of her being a wife, she's the oldest 
daughter. That's not godly, she's a co-heir 
with Christ. to give her honor, according 
to First Peter chapter three. Having a critical, condemnatory 
and judgmental attitude toward their wives. Again, this falls 
into that realm of why can't you be more like so-and-so? Why 
can't you be like more so-and-so? That is just calculated to destroy. Having unrealistic expectations 
of their wives. Not everybody's at the same place. 
Not everybody's on the same page. Sanctification really is a reality. He says, being intolerant of 
non-sinful idiosyncrasies. That's where that word got in 
my head. Being intolerant of non-sinful idiosyncrasies. Yes, it may bug you that the 
toothpaste lid is not on the toothpaste. But it is not a sin. It isn't. It really isn't. Now, bacteria, health, all those 
things might come into play. Honey, really, you should put 
the lid on the toothpaste. Idiosyncrasy, not a sinful habit. and then prohibiting their wives 
from doing anything without their express knowledge of consent. I don't even know why some men 
have to be told this, but I guess they do prohibiting their wives 
from doing anything without their express knowledge of consent. In other words, what do you mean 
you did this? What do you mean you did that? 
If you're like me, you're like, I don't even want to hear it. 
Just take care of it. or micromanaging every aspect 
of their wives' responsibilities. That's not good. And being unjustly suspicious 
of their wives. Where'd you go? What'd you do? 
How'd you do it? Dude, lighten up. God really is sovereign. He's gracious, and if the Holy 
Spirit is in her, your heart can safely trust her. It's a 
biblical principle. So, love your wives and do not 
be bitter against them or bitter toward them, as Paul says here 
in Colossians three. Now, just in conclusion, there 
are a few things I want to end with. The first is the need to 
understand her. First, Peter, chapter three. 
First, Peter, chapter three. I want you to turn there and 
I want you to see this. First, Peter, chapter three. Verse 1-6 deals with wives and 
their need to be submissive to their own husbands. Verse 7 says 
husbands likewise dwell with them with understanding. Literally, it is according to 
knowledge. And it is according to biblical 
knowledge, it is according to the scripture, it is according 
to Colossians 3 and Ephesians 5 and the book of Proverbs and 
all of the Bible gives us in terms of knowledge and understanding. 
But it also means her. Know her. Know her. Understand her. You don't have 
to spend time studying the unique characteristics of my wife. You 
need to study your wife. You may be able to get by on 
four hours of sleep a night. You may be able to go out and 
work for 16 to 18 hours a day. You may be able to leap tall 
buildings in a single bound. You may be more powerful than 
a speeding locomotive and faster than a bullet. Your wife may 
not be. Peter says, well, with them, 
according to knowledge. OK, get that. She's not like 
you, she's not constructed in the same way physically or mentally, 
not that she's defective, but Peter says giving honor to the 
wife as to the weaker vessel. When Paul forbids a woman to 
teach or to exercise authority over a man, he doesn't argue 
because of culture. He doesn't argue because of an 
anti-intellectual bent. He goes back to the garden and 
he says that the woman was prone to being led astray. She's different. That's why she 
needs you with your ass on your chest to protect her, not exploit 
her, not show her weaknesses, not tell her how foolish she 
is. Dwell with her according to understanding, 
giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as 
being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may 
not be hindered. Please take that in and internalize 
it. If you want a faithful, godly 
prayer life, love your wife. and well with her, according 
to understanding, giving honor to her, realizing she's a weaker 
vessel. And God has gifted you to leader 
and lover and to care for and to protect her, to pray for her, 
to cultivate her spiritually. Understand those things that 
will help your prayer life. Secondly, you need to understand 
you, man. You're either given to a sinful, 
passive abdication. That means giving it away. The 
husband is the head of the wife. Some guys say, wait a minute, 
I don't like that arrangement. That might be you or a sinful, 
aggressive, heavy handed tyranny. You need to understand where 
you're at in there and say, Lord, I want to be like you. I want 
to be like Jesus. I want to exercise godly authority. I want to exercise godly rule. 
But I also want to be able to serve my wife. I want to be able 
to wash her feet. I want to be able to say, look 
at that. Look at the way the Gentiles exercise lordship. That's 
not the way it's supposed to be here. Remember Pastor Martin 
preaching on that one time? This whole idea, the world's 
model of authority is like a pyramid. The one guy at top sort of ruling 
everybody on the on the downward. He says Jesus takes that and 
turns it upside down so that the guy down here is serving 
and loving and ruling. And then thirdly, man, you need 
to recognize God's blessing. I actually think that the men 
have a harder task. I know that's going to sound 
bad and you chauvinistic pig and this that and the other. 
I got to submit to him. Yeah, you got to submit the way the 
church submits to the Lord Jesus. We all know she's imperfect. 
We all know she's got issues. We have to love just as Christ 
loved the church and gave himself for her. That's a tough bill. 
That's a tough act to follow. following Jesus Christ in that 
way. I think one of the helps to promote such a love and a 
man is to consider that he has God's blessing. Proverbs 12 for 
verse 12 for a an excellent wife is the crown of her husband. 
A beautiful statement. Proverbs 18 22. He who finds 
a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from Jehovah. Proverbs 
1914 houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers, but 
a prudent wife is from the Lord. You see, if you have an understanding 
of God's having given you a gift, hopefully you will love that 
gift. You will appreciate that gift. You will deny yourself 
for that gift. Proverbs twenty thirty one ten, 
as he gets into describing this godly woman, the question is 
who can find a virtuous wife for her worth is far above rubies. Some guys are out there, I got 
to make money, I got to get a good wife, her worth is far above 
rubies. That's going to be more beneficial. 
Luther, describing his life, said the greatest gift of God 
is a pious, amiable spouse who fears God, loves his house and 
with whom one can live in perfect obedience. That's a great statement. So realize that God has given 
you a gift. Now, fourthly, there's a there's 
a contract to all that. Single men, young guys. I know 
sometimes you look at marriage, you say, wow, I can't wait to 
get married. There is a flip side to all of this. Just a bit 
of a autobiography. When I first started reading 
and learning Reformed theology and looking at stuff for the 
marriage and family and that sort of thing, I remember coming 
across an author who said, you know, whenever I get called to 
a home where there's a dispute between the husband and the wife, 
I always go in there assuming that it's the husband's fault. 
I always go there, assuming it's the husband's fault. Again, the 
biblical doctrine of headship. He is the head. I can see what 
the man is saying. But having done this for a few 
years now and learning the flip side, there are some ungodly 
women out there. OK, track with me. Listen again, 
young guys, can't wait to get married. Great. Marry the right 
woman. Mary, that one whose worth is 
far above all rubies. Proverbs, twelve, four B, but 
she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones. Proverbs, twenty one nine, better 
to dwell in a corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a 
contentious woman. You don't get to know that woman 
you're going to marry. Make sure that when you build 
that custom home, there's plenty of room for you on the roof. 
Make yourself a nice little alcove there where you will not be plagued 
by her ungodliness. See, it's one thing with bravado 
and machismo to walk into a situation and say, oh, it's the man. There's 
some ungodly women out there. And they're responsible before 
the Lord. Proverbs 21, 19, better to dwell in the wilderness than 
with a contentious and angry woman. Do you hear what he says 
there? I'll take my chances with lions. I'll take my chances with 
pythons. I'll take my chances with with 
whatever beast that wilderness has than to dwell with her. You 
know, it's interesting because. Twenty one. Is one chapter, right? In verse nine, he says, better 
to dwell in a corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a 
contentious woman. And then in verse 19, ten verses later, better 
to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry 
woman. I wonder if he's getting some pressure here. I don't want 
to jump into where Solomon was when he wrote this. But maybe initially he thought, 
hey, the housetop or the rooftop wouldn't be bad. By the time 
he gets to verse 19, he says, I want to go in the wilderness. 
Get me out of here. Proverbs 20, 25, 24 repeats that it is better to 
dwell in a corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a 
contentious woman. And then Proverbs 27, 15 and 
16. Isn't God real? Isn't He great? 
Isn't He glorious? Doesn't He tell us things the 
way that things are? There are nabals in this world, 
to be sure. There are foolish men. There 
are men that rule or reign or exercise their authority in an 
ungodly manner, and they should be reproved. But women should 
be too, for their ungodliness. Proverbs 27, 15 and 16. A continual 
dripping on a very rainy day. This doesn't make sense in Palmdale, 
California. It makes sense in Chilliwack, 
B.C. For the most part, I like the sound of running water. I'm 
one of these guys that if I could have the river right by me, it'd 
be great. But sometimes that continual dripping, if it's hitting 
the same spot. is enough to drive you nuts. Right? What happens? Pull the pillow 
over your head. Oh, it's going to go away. I 
can cut it off. You go nuts. Chinese water torture. We used to hear about that as 
a kid. I don't know if they ever even practiced that. They hold 
you down and they drip water on your forehead, so you go nuts. What's Solomon saying to you 
young men? Do not be governed by your lusts. 
Do not be governed by your desire. Do not be governed by your emotion. 
Be governed by God's truth. You want to be happy? Find a 
virtuous woman. He doesn't stop there. A continual 
dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Whoever restrains her restrains 
the wind and grasps oil with his right hand. You get the point? Go out on a day when the gale 
winds or the winds are blowing through at 60 or 70 miles an 
hour. See if you can grasp them in your hand. See if you can 
stop the wind by grasping it with your hand. What about oil? 
You pick oil up. Can you grasp it with your hand? 
The obvious answer is no, you cannot. You cannot grasp the 
wind. You cannot grasp the oil. What 
is he saying? That you don't have the ability 
to conceal or restrain this contentious woman. Check things out before 
you say I do. And ladies, I want to encourage 
you. Last week, I said to the men, men, the wives are supposed 
to submit to you. Be a good guy so that you'll 
want to submit. Right. I mean, let's help each 
other in this. I go home and say, honey, I know 
your your task is to submit to me. I'm going to try to be like 
Jesus so that you'll happily submit to me. Well, same thing 
is true, ladies. If your husband is called to 
love you, be lovely. Not just physically, that's included, 
but be cuddly. I've seen this as a member of 
a commercial gym for several years. Generally, around the 
first part of the year, people sign up for the gym. January 
1st, New Year's resolution, I'm going to be fit, I'm going to 
get in shape. By February, the gym is back to the way it was. 
It's a graveyard, at least the time I go. That's the way I like 
it. But, I've also seen this. Young women who are going to 
get married, they run to the gym. Because they want to look 
good for their wedding day. And there's nothing wrong with 
that. I saw the new Jerusalem abhorred like a bride coming 
down out of heaven, John says. There's nothing wrong with it. 
There is something fundamentally wrong, though, when you want 
to just look good for one day and not care about the rest. Now, That is a physical illustration, 
but the truth, the same could be said of spiritual. When I 
get married, I'm going to read my Bible, going to be godly, 
going to be righteous, going to read theology, going to get ready, 
going to get ready, going to get ready, and then I'll be lovely. 
It's false advertising, man. It's not right. It's a bad bill 
of goods. Christians shouldn't do that. 
And then finally, I know that was a lot of concluding points, 
brethren, but these things need to be said. Finally, praise God 
for Jesus again, where we began or where we ended with the ladies 
last week. Jesus always submitted to his father. And with reference 
to husbands, love your wives, never forget, just as Christ 
also loved the church and gave himself for her. We're not going 
to enter into heaven because we perform well, loving our wives. 
In fact, that's probably one of our chief sins as men. We're 
going to enter into heaven because Jesus did everything he was supposed 
to do. in accordance with the will of 
his father, and he laid down his life on our behalf. You may 
not know Jesus today. You may hear this, and if you're 
married, you might say, I'm going to go out and try to be a better 
husband. No, no. You need to come to Christ. You need to believe 
the gospel. You need to understand that God 
made him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become 
the righteousness of God in him. There's a doctrine today that 
some are playing very loose with some unfortunately in the reform 
community. The doctrine is called the active 
obedience of Jesus Christ. Most in the reform community 
agree that we need is passive obedience and what that means 
is his death on our behalf not passive in the sense that he 
wasn't there. But passive in the sense that God poured out 
his wrath upon his son, and that through that passive obedience, 
through that sacrifice, through that curse bearing, we receive 
the forgiveness of sins. The Bible also teaches we need 
a righteousness. We need to be clothed in a righteousness. 
That's where that active obedience of Jesus comes. God, the Father, 
says, Behold, to obey is better than to sacrifice. It's good 
that we've undergone that sacrifice, and we've been cleansed, and 
we've been washed, and we've been purified. But God delights in 
obedience, and He delights in the obedience of His only begotten 
Son. And the good news today, the gospel of Jesus Christ does 
not go out and be a better husband. It is to come to Christ. Broken, 
sinful, come. You see yourself as a sinner? 
Come to Christ. You don't have to see the depth 
or the degrees of your sin. Some of that teaching is out 
there today. Well, unless I've been convinced for three, four or 
five years that I'm really sinful. If you're a sinner, you're ready. 
Come. Believe the gospel of Jesus Christ and you shall be saved. That is the most important thing. That is everything. Do not leave here without having 
come in faith to Christ. And if you need a good example 
or you need a good encouragement or a good invitation, go to Ephesians 
five. Because ultimately, Paul is meeting 
their Christology with the church. The husband wife relationship 
is the illustration. Ultimately, nevertheless, he 
says, speaks this mystery concerning Christ and his great love for 
the church. So it's a very fitting place 
for you to come and see what Christ has done in terms of saving 
his people. You believe on him and you will 
be saved. Well, let us pray. Father, we 
thank you for the Word of God. We pray that you would help us 
to take these things to heart. Forgive us, Lord, as men, for 
we would all admit to sinning in these various areas. And we 
thank you again for the blood of Jesus Christ, our Lord. We 
thank you that our hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood 
and righteousness. Help us, God, nevertheless, to 
take the truth of Holy Writ and to pray it in and to seek by 
your grace and for your glory to conduct ourselves as new men 
in our homes. And I pray that you would go 
with each one of us now. I pray that you bless each of 
the ladies here, that all of us would be helped by a study 
of your Holy Scripture. And we pray through Christ our 
Lord. Amen.