Please turn with me in your Bibles to Colossians, chapter three. Colossians, chapter three, as we continue in this portion of Scripture, God willing, returning to Matthew in a few weeks. Our studies in the Gospel of Matthew, just taking a bit of a break from there, looking at the ethics of the new man in Christ Jesus. Remember the specific context.
The apostle tells the disciple of Christ to set his mind on things above, not on things on the earth, to focus on Jesus Christ, verses 1 to 4. Because of that, based on that reality, the truth of the gospel, our focus upon Jesus, it ought to affect the way that we live in this world. He deals with those things we are to put off, those vices or sins that are inconsistent with the new man. He indicates those in chapter 3, verses 5 to 11.
He then highlights certain virtues that the new man is to put on in verses 12 to 17, and then he calls us to be subject to one another in chapter 3, verses 18 to 41. And that's the section we find ourselves in this morning. We're going to take up specifically the marriage relationship, the duties for wives or instruction for wives and instruction for husbands in verses 18 and 19. I think that a lot of this will be repetitive to you.
I would encourage all of us to take heed as we consider these things, probably not new information that we need in the Christian life, but it is reminders and repentance based on those things that we already know. So that's where we're heading this morning. I'll just pick up reading in verse 12, though, to put us back in the context. Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long-suffering, bearing with one another and forgiving one another.
If anyone has a complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things, put on love. which is the bond of perfection, and let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body, and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Wives, submit to your own husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged.
Bond servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh, not with eye service as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God. And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance, for you serve the Lord Christ. But he who does wrong will be repaid for what he has done, and there is no partiality. Masters, give your bondservants what is just and fair, knowing that you also have a master in heaven.
Continue earnestly in prayer, being vigilant in it with thanksgiving. Meanwhile, praying also for us, that God would open to us a door for the Word, to speak the mystery of Christ, for which I am also in chains, that I may make it manifest as I ought to speak. Walk in wisdom toward those who are outside, redeeming the time. Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.
Amen. Well, let us pray. Our Father, we thank you for the Holy Scriptures. We thank you for the Holy Spirit.
And we pray that even now he would come and guide us and direct us and lead us into all truth. We pray that as husbands and wives, we would receive this instruction that you would fortify and strengthen us. Help us, Lord God, to internalize these truths and to put them into practice. For the single brothers and sisters among us, we pray that they would receive good things as well, that you would bless this local church and cause us to have strong families and to truly reflect new men and new women in Christ Jesus functioning in their homes.
We ask as well that you would forgive us for all of our sins and our transgression. God, we confess whenever we come to duty, whenever we come to command, whenever we come to responsibility in the Holy Scripture, We are mindful of how far short we fall. How we thank you that you are merciful. How we thank you that there is forgiveness with you.
How we pray that even now you would cleanse us and wash us in the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. Give us ears to hear and give us hearts to receive your word. And we pray through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
Introduction
Again, as we have seen here, there is a portrait of a godly man drawn in a scripture pencil, a portrait of a man as he is supposed to function in this lower world, man and woman, those who are in Christ, those who by God's grace have believed on the Lord Jesus, who have looked to the gospel, who have lived by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone. What we find here is the fruit. What we find here is the effect. What we find here are the consequences of God's having graciously accepted us in the Beloved.
Remember, we are not saved because we put off these virtues. We are not put off these vices. We're not saved because we put on these things. Rather, we're saved in order to put off and to put on.
We're saved in order that we might be holy and blameless in the Lord God Most High. Well, as we consider this instruction this morning,
Instruction for Wives
we'll take up first the instruction for wives in verse 18. There'll be four considerations. And then secondly, the instruction for husbands. And again, four considerations.
I think Martin Luther has well captured domestic responsibility in a very pithy saying. He says, let the wife make the husband glad to come home. He's envisioning the husband going off to work. And he says, let the wife make the husband glad to come home.
He ought not to want to extend his workday. He ought not to want to visit Home Depot for hours on end on his way home. He certainly ought not to want to stop off at the bar to get a little coping mechanism before he arrives at the domestic sphere. No, what Luther says, I think, encapsulates all that the Bible says concerning this idea.
Let her make the husband glad to come home. But as well, he continues and says, and let him, the husband, make her sorry to see him leave. So in the morning, it ought not to be, are you still here? Can't you leave already?
Go! What part of leave don't you get? Doesn't this summarize domestic responsibility well? Let her make the husband glad to come home. and let him make her sorry to see him leave.
I think that summarizes Paul's intent in verses 18 and 19 with reference to this domestic sphere wherein new men and new women find themselves. We've already traced the argument. We've already seen the separate places that men and women do find themselves. After highlighting the virtues, Paul then indicates how the man is to function corporately within the context of the local church.
Verse 15, let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body. Sing and make melody in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another. So the new man in Christ functions in a particular way in his corporate life, in his church life. And as well, the new man functions in a particular way in his home, in his family, in the domestic realm, with reference to his wife, with reference to her husband, with reference to the children.
And then we see it extends into the workplace also, as we will see, God willing, in a few weeks. But let's look first at this instruction for wives.
The Doctrine of Submission
The first point is to consider the doctrine of submission. This is what Paul says in verse 20. Submit. Submit.
It's a word that does bristle against us. That's a word that's almost like the proverbial fingernail on the chalkboard. It's an interesting thing. We can't even use that illustration anymore without having to try and educate people as to what it means.
Kids, before you had the whiteboard with those nice felt pens, there used to be this thing called a chalkboard. And there was chalk that you would write on. And if you were brought up like I was and you went to a Catholic school, the priests or the brothers would throw the erasers at your head or the chamois at your head if you got out of line in class. But if you took your fingernails and you ran them on that chalkboard, it made this sound that made you want to just run away.
It was a terrible sound, a screeching sound, a sound that just made you kind of overcome with irritation. Well, that's kind of the way this word submit works today. The word submission simply means to be in subjection, to subject oneself. One lexicon says that submission for Paul is a voluntary submission based on one's recognition of God's order.
It means to line oneself under. It's used in a military context with reference to soldiers submitting to their superior or slaves submitting to their masters. It is submission in this context, wives submit to your own husbands, submission in the sense of voluntary yielding in love. It's important as we consider these social relationships, we do not divorce ourselves from the context.
In other words, wives submit to your own husbands. It is a submission that looks like those things that we've already seen in verses 12 and 13. A submissive wife will have tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long-suffering. She will bear with one another and forgive one another.
We mustn't separate from the context the specific domestic duties indicated in chapter 3. Now, submission in the Bible is looked at as a good thing. As I said, it's the chalkboard and the fingernails on the chalkboard today. But in the Scripture, submission is good.
Submission isn't bad. Submission isn't sinful. Submission isn't a horrific thing. In fact, every man, every boy, every woman, every girl, everywhere has to submit in one form or another.
The Church, of course, submits to Jesus Christ her head. Individual Christians submit themselves to God Almighty. The Christian, whether he's a man or a woman, must submit to the governing authorities, according to Romans 13, 1 to 4. The first epistle of Peter deals with submission in chapter 2, verse 13, all the way to chapter 3, verse 12.
The context is submission to God-ordained, God-instituted human authority. We are to submit to the government. There is to be submission between servants to their masters. within marriage and all of life. Submission is a good thing.
The Lord Jesus Christ was subject to His Father. Not only His heavenly Father, but He was subject to His earthly parents, according to Luke chapter 2. Remember, He continued in subjection to them after they found Him at the temple. They brought him back and he continued in that state.
So we see there that submission is absolutely crucial, even when the authority being submitted to is not perfect. You see, Jesus couldn't say, well, I'm not going to submit to Joseph and Mary because they're wretched. They're in Adam. They're sinners.
No, he continued in subjection to them, even though they were, in fact, sinners. Jesus himself submitted to the governing authority when it came to paying taxes. He said to go and give to Caesar what is Caesar. He didn't say, well, Caesar's a wretch and he uses that money for ungodly things, so therefore don't pay him.
No, Jesus advocates paying the taxes even to a wretched authority. So submission in and of itself is a most wonderful and excellent thing.
The Specific Command to Submit
Notice, secondly, the specific instruction for the wives. Wives, submit to your own husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Later on in Titus chapter 2, it says to be sure that women are to love their men. Women are certainly to love their men.
I think the way Paul is addressing the specific and the primary responsibilities or duties here are in reference to those things that we will potentially struggle with. You see, a woman is naturally led in love toward her husband. What she needs to always work on is this idea of submission. Husbands are going to lead their wives.
That's the way God made them. Notice the particular instruction for husbands. It's not lead them. That's the natural direction.
That's the natural drift and tendency. So based on that reality, the apostle Paul highlights for us that in that leadership, we need to remember love. In that love that a woman naturally displays and has for her man, she needs to remember this idea of submission. She needs to remember this idea of honoring him.
This idea of fearing him. Not in a servile, wretched way where she's hiding in the closet because she's afraid he's going to beat her up. But she has that reverence and esteem for him. She is directly commanded in this instance to submit to him.
Charles Hodge says, this relationship, this one of husbands leading and wives submitting, this relationship cannot be denied or disregarded without destroying society. Listen to what the brother says. You know, today, marriage is being marginalized. It's being redefined.
We are told that two men can get married. We are told that two women can get married. The old brothers, reflecting accurately biblical information and data, tell us that when we renege, when we turn our backs upon and we rebel against the way God instituted things, there is destruction that follows in its path. Destruction will result in the wake of those who reject God and His order.
Back to Hodge, this relationship cannot be denied or disregarded without destroying society and degrading both men and women. Notice what he says, making the one effeminate and the other masculine. You see, we destroy it. We make women be manly and we make men be womanly.
That is to try and make birds swim and to try and make fish fly. It is to invert God's created order, and His design, and His purpose. It is far better, and it is the norm, and it ought to be the case that for new men and new women in Christ Jesus, we receive what the Lord has for us, we embrace it heartily, and we do what He calls us to do, by His Word, by the Spirit. Other passages in Holy Scripture tell us this.
Genesis 1 and 2, God made Adam first. He made the woman to be a helpmate unto him. Ephesians 5, the parallel passage to this particular text, 1 Peter chapter 3. This is God's plan and purpose for you, dear ladies.
This is a way you can image Christ in a very special way. Christ submitted himself to his own father. This is the whole argument of the Apostle Paul in First Corinthians, chapter 11, when he's arguing for male leadership in the church. Do you know where Paul points?
He points to God. He says the father is the head of Christ. Not in terms of deity and ontology and triunity, but in terms of function, in terms of the economy of salvation. God the Father sends the Son.
And in that regard, the Father is the head of the Son. So they are equal. They're the same in substance. They're the same in being and power.
But with reference to function, they have differing roles. It's the same with husbands and wives. This is what Paul illustrates in 1 Corinthians 11. In terms of being, in terms of ontology, which simply means the doctrine of being, we're the same.
It's not like the stuff men are made of is somehow more valuable than the stuff women are made of. Not as if there's some intrinsic worth in the blood, and the skin, and the sinews, and the bones, and all of the items that go into a man is somehow superior to it. No, we're the same. of ontological equality. We are the same in being.
The same in substance. We're equal in power and glory. Those sorts of things. But within the family, within the church, God has ordained specific roles.
This is not bad. It's not wicked. It's not wrong. Ladies, you may have more on the ball than your husband.
You may be a bit sharper in certain areas. But your calling unto God is to submit to Him. It is to line up under his authority. It is to line up under his role.
It is to embrace this as God's will for your life. It is to receive it gladly and happily, instead of trying to usurp it, instead of trying to throw it off or shirk your responsibilities. Rather, sisters, embrace this as being something that God has said is good. Now, as far as thirdly, the particular characteristics.
The Particular Characteristics
Notice the lawful target in verse 18. Why submit to your own husbands? Why do you have to submit to me? You certainly don't have to submit to your next door neighbor.
You see, Paul is a protector of women. Paul is the champion of women's rights. Some have said that he was the greatest chauvinist of all times. He was the greatest advocate of women under God being all that they were made to be.
Submit to your own husband. You have one man. that you need to carry this out. Now, of course, submit to the cock if he pulls you over. Submit to the governing authorities, all those areas of submission that are enjoined upon you to be sure.
But Paul limits the submission in view here. Submit yourselves to your own husbands. Notice the language here. He says, submit to your own husbands as is fitting in the Lord.
I believe the implication is submit in everything. He doesn't say that explicitly here. He does say it explicitly in Ephesians 5 and verse 24. Submit to them.
Notice what it doesn't say. Submit to them if you feel like it. We're governed by feelings often, aren't we? Well, I don't feel like it.
I don't feel like going to the dentist. I don't feel like eating my broccoli. I don't feel like running. I don't feel like doing that.
Are we governed by emotions as new men in Christ Jesus? Or are we governed by the Spirit through the Word of God? He does not say, ladies on Sunday, submit to your own husbands. Ladies on Tuesday, submit to your own husbands.
Ladies on date night, submit to your own husbands. No, ladies, submit to your own husbands in everything. The command does not depend upon how fit the husband is. provided he's a godly, righteous, perfect man. No, we've already seen that.
We've already established that. Jesus continued in subjection to his earthly parents, who were not perfect. Jesus continued in subjection to the governing authority, though it was not perfect. You see, you can never escape your biblical duty and responsibility by blaming other people.
Now, as I'm going to argue throughout the course of the message this morning, we should try to help each other. I mean, if your wife is called to submit, don't be a jerk. The temptation in a sermon like this is, oh, thank you, Lord, my wife needs to hear this. Shame on us.
How come the message is always for someone else? I think, men, that if you understand the implication of your wife's beauty and your wife's responsibility, you'll say, God, forgive me for making it such a chore. Conversely, ladies, when you are told or you hear that your husband has to love you as Christ loved the church, it ought not to be, good, he needs to hear this because he's really bad in this. God, help me to be lovelier.
Remember Luther's Madison. Create an environment where the guy actually wants to come home. Create an environment where she doesn't want you to have to leave for that 8, 10, 12 or 14 hours because she's going to miss you so much. Submit to your own husbands.
It is not conditional. In fact, the command does not depend upon the husbands being converted, according to 1 Peter 3. You can never argue, well my husband this or my husband that. According to Peter, even if he is not converted, you need to submit to him.
And you need to do so without a word. I'm doing this for Jesus. I'm doing this because of God. Just do what you're called to do and let the Lord God Most High sort out the rest of it.
Even without a word, you may win those, he says. The command ultimately is not open for debate. You see, Paul was not saying to the Colossians here, why don't we have a roundtable discussion, try to figure out the strengths and the weaknesses that are going on among you, and let's let the best and the strongest lead. No.
It's a default position. Husbands lead. Wives submit. You may struggle with that default.
You may not like that default, but you need to repent because that's God's default. It's interesting, the grammar that Paul uses in Ephesians chapter five, he says, the husband not ought to be, not should be, not strives to be, but the husband is the head of the wife. That's an indicative. It's not an imperative.
It's not a command. It's not a go thou and do this. It is rather what is true. He may be a terrible head.
He may be a passive head, he may be an advocating head, he may be a milquetoast head, he may be a bad head, but he is nevertheless the head of the way. You see, that's God's design. We have to build in the qualification of courts. If your husband comes home and says, honey, I figured out a way to deal with our financial needs.
We'll get Tommy guts. And we'll assault the HSBC. We'll gun down everybody in sight and we'll take the loot and run. We'll be a modern day Bonnie and Clyde.
No, you must obey God rather than men. If hubby tells you to sin, you must obey God rather than men. So you submit in everything. But of course, the necessary qualification is built in based on the rest of the Bible.
If he commands sin, You must obey God rather than him. You do that lovingly, graciously, but firmly. And then
The Motivation: Fitting in the Lord
notice, fourthly and finally, with reference to this particular command, wives, submit to your own husbands. Note the motivation involved, as is fitting in the Lord. Remember the context. Your mind is set upon things above.
Your mind is firmly entrenched upon Jesus. You have been saved by grace. You're a believer in the gospel. You have been freed from the curse of the law and the condemnation of sin.
You are heaven bound. You are glory bound. You are going to reign with Jesus forever and ever and ever. World without end.
Amen. Because of that reality, put off the sins of the flesh, put off the sins of the tongue. Because of that reality, put on these things that God says are true and indicative of Christ's people. And as a result, submit to your own husbands as is fitting in the Lord.
That's the motivation. That's what Paul says. Some have taken this as is fitting and compared the apostle to Stoicism or pagan philosophers. Do things because they're right.
Well, do this because it's right in a distinctly Christian sphere. It is fitting in the Lord. It is fitting in Jesus. So you see the apostles argument here.
Wives, submit to your own husbands because they'll really be happy. Because society will be stronger. Because the church will be more holy. All those things are corollaries.
All those things are true. All those sidelines might be achieved. But you submit to your own husband because the Lord says. You see, it's Christian.
It's not Mormon. It's not Jehovah's Witness. It's not Muslim. It's not atheistic.
We have found this a better way to coexist. It's fitting in the Lord. This pleases Jesus. This is what Christ's about.
He saved you. He bled for you. He died for you. He forgave you.
He's given you a righteousness so that you ladies can express something of gospel truth in the way that you relate to your man. Isn't it beautiful? We need to retrain our minds. Don't come to 318, ladies, and go, man, this is that silver bullet I've got to swallow.
This is that big pill I've got to take. No, this is my blessed privilege. This is my joy. My Lord has saved me to function and blossom and bloom in this particular reality.
He hasn't saved you to be an Amy Carmichael. He saved Amy Carmichael to be an Amy Carmichael. Not everybody's a Rebecca Hamilton. Not everybody's going to go out and single-handedly cure leprosy or do all these things.
For most of you, dear sisters, the effects of Christ's redeeming power, the effects of Christ's redeeming work, His blood, His agony, His shame, His resurrection, His glory, His victory, His majesty, most of that is going to be played out in the four walls of your house. There's dignity here. There's majesty here. There's excellence here.
You know, we hear the lie of the world that the really achieved woman, you know, is the multi-billionaire or the corporate riser, the star. No, it's the godly woman who submits herself to her husband and who functions accordingly in her home. That's what Christianity more than often is about. It's the humdrum.
It's the ordinary. Ladies, you may never go out and do the sorts of things that the biographers record. But if you're faithful to your Lord, you're submissive to your husband, you rear your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord, God's going to say to you on that great day, well done, good and faithful servant. How many times have you read that text?
Well done, good and faithful servant. Thought, wait a minute, I haven't done great things. I haven't gone out and cured cancer. I haven't raised 15 to 20 children, and they've all grown up to be preachers.
I'm not the mother of the Bonar boys. One's writing hymns, one's writing commentaries. I've just been a pretty homegrown, ordinary lady. That God is going to say, well done, good and faithful servant.
Beautiful, blessed, holy. It's righteous. The new man, the new woman functions the way God calls them to, by the Spirit, according to the Word, for the reasons indicated. It is fitted to the Lord.
You are not to submit to your own husband simply because of the good of the state, the good of society, the good of your husband, the good of your children, or your self-realization. It makes me realize and actualize myself. You do it for Christ. Is that it?
Is that what we live for? Is that what we've been redeemed for? Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, because Jesus bought you to do it. We have this mindset, the romantic and the ordinary.
For most of us, the ordinary is far outweighing the romantic. It really is. Wipe noses, wipe your hands, change diapers, cook dinner, kiss your man, make him happy to come home and do that for the next 80 years. That's fitting.
That's good. That's awesome. I just had that realization in prayer. Unless I contract some serious disease or get hit by a car, I've probably got 40 years left.
Most of you are probably in the same boat, give or take a few decades either side. There's that temptation at times in the Christian life to say, it is hard, isn't it? Maybe I'm the only one that finds this hard at times, but indulge me for a moment. It's tough.
Get up. Do what you're supposed to do. Try to resist the things God says to resist. Sinning along the way.
Asking for forgiveness. Seeking fresh mercy. Seeking fresh grace. Trying to repair the breaches with people that you sin against.
Trying to deal with people in a way that God says to. You get through a day and you say, wow, this is tough. This is tough. A day.
You chalk up a few years. You say, man, this is hard. It doesn't seem to be getting any easier. You know, as you're going up that hill, notice it doesn't go like that.
It just keeps going up. And then you get this realization, I'm probably going to do this for another 40 years. What does this do, I hope? It casts new men and women back upon the mercy of God in Christ.
Never forget this statement. As is fitting in the Lord. It's for Jesus that you submit. It's for Jesus you stand by your man.
It's for Jesus you try and create a home, an environment where your husband wants to actually come home. It's for Christ the Lord that you take this word submission and you put it into practice. It is distinctly Christian. It is in the orbit of Christian ethics.
It has its tap roots in the gospel of free and sovereign grace. Dear sisters, submit to your own husbands as is fitting to the Lord.
Instruction for Husbands
Secondly, husbands, may I speak for all of us? Let's repent. It's tough to submit to us, isn't it? I hope we don't go home today and at lunch say, honey, I'm glad you heard that sermon because she really needed some of those things.
You really need to grow. I say this wholly. I say this out of genuine concern for your well-being and your spiritual state. I only want you to thrive, baby.
But you really need to repent. Hopefully, as we're choking down that macaroni and cheese or whatever it may be that the Lord has meat for us today, we say, Honey, forgive me that I've made it such a monumental task. Submit to me. Forgive me for the way that I am.
You see, if we genuinely appreciate not only our specific role, but what our spouses are called to engage in, hopefully we will try and facilitate the whole process. We will hopefully try to be a worker with one another for each other's joy.
The Command to Love
First of all, with reference to husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. After a command given to wives to submit, we might naturally expect the command for husbands to lead. But as I've already said, that's built in. It's hardwired.
It's the way. It is. Now, I know there are issues, there are challenges, there are struggles to be sure. There's a tendency of passivity in men.
There's a tendency to abdicate leadership and authority. There is a tendency to want to run and hide and let your wife sort of rule and reign and do all those things. But the general drift of God's world is that men will gravitate toward this leadership role in the home. That's good.
That's the way it ought to be. When you're parenting little boys and little girls, you ought to see some fundamental differences between the boys and the girls. Little boys want to carry purses and look at antiques and learn how to cook. You might want to give them a rock or a hammer or tinker toys or a play gun.
Now, some of you may disagree with that. I'm an American. Grant me that. Give them a ball.
Give them a glove. There are fundamental differences. That's okay. The world is trying desperately to equalize everyone.
God says no. Men are supposed to be men. Women are supposed to be women. Not vice versa.
In the church, men are to lead. In the home, men are to lead. It's the way it is. It's good.
It's fine. It's right. It's of God. So we might naturally suspect to get the command, lead your wives.
But again, it's love them. The commands are born out in the wisdom of God. Men will inherently lead. They need to be tempered with love.
Women will naturally, inherently love. They need to temper it with submission. You see, God is infinitely wise. He speaks to us as we need to be spoken to.
He's addressing us where we live. If I were to ask you ladies, what do you struggle with? Loving your man or submitting to your man? You'd probably say submitting to him.
If I said to you men, what are you naturally inclined to? Leading your husband or loving your wife? Oh, you know, I lead. It's just my thing.
I go out and work. I provide. I want things to be conducted well and all. I need to remember to love her, though.
Give her a hug once in a while. I need to say charm is deceitful and beauty is vain. But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be greatly praised. I want to praise you, honey.
I love you. I esteem you. I thank you for what you're doing. You see, God speaks to us specifically as we need Him.
John Eady said, husbands are not to be domestic tyrants, but their dominion is to be a reign of love. Not domestic tyrants. Here's the leadership model that I've imbibed. The macho man pounding his chair saying, get me, get me, get me, get me, do this, do that.
That's not leadership. Remember, it was in the context of leadership and submission and exaltation how you are not to function with one another, to the disciples that Jesus said, just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, to give His life a ransom for many. It's in the context of look at how the Gentiles lead. Look at how the Gentiles function.
Look at how the Gentiles want to be the top of the pyramid and everybody underneath them submitting themselves. Not so with you. If you want to be great in the kingdom, you first of all be the least. If you want to be first in the kingdom, you be the last.
Greatness in the kingdom does not look like pounding your fist, telling your woman to submit. Paul's not a caveman. Paul is not suggesting this sort of an attitude or disposition that is promulgated today. The sort of barbaric man beating his chest and has his wife in tow.
That's not leadership. It's not godly. It just looks foolish. It's an amazing thing when a man thinks he looks manly, beating his chair.
Go out and exercise dominion in the world, love your wife the way Christ loved the church, and then we'll talk about leadership. Right? We have all these ideas of what the man looks like. The biblical standard for this, again, it is context sensitive.
Husbands, love your wives. It ought to look like what Paul's already stated. You're loving your wife, you're putting to death your members which are on the earth. You're not engaged in sexual porneia.
You're not engaged in immorality. You're not engaged in lust or adultery or vileness or wickedness. You're loving your wife relative to what he's already stipulated is true of the new man in Christ Jesus. Love your wives means put to death the lusts of the flesh.
Love your wives means put to death the sins of the tongue. Don't abuse your wife with your tongue. Don't abuse your wife with your language, with your words. This is the new man, remember?
Love your wives. The manner that is consistent with what we find here in Colossians 3. As a new man in Christ Jesus, you're elect, you're holy, you're beloved. Function in that manner in the home.
You see, it's not the case where we ought to come to church and, you know, we wear our nice clothes and we sing our hymns and our psalms and our spiritual songs and in the back of the church we're teaching and admonishing one another because we spent time with Owen in the week or we spent time with Manton or we spent time with, you know, whoever. Not to be the case that we function that way in the church and then we go home and we live like the devil. You see, Paul is consistent. Love your wives.
That must mean put on tender mercies. If I need to put on tender mercies for my brothers and sisters at the church. Doesn't that mean I should do that for my wife? How is it that sometimes we're nicer to people that we're not married to?
How is it that we can be respectful to everybody in this world, except the wife of our youth? We're to be kind. There is to be a humility displayed in the home. There is to be meekness.
There is to be long suffering. There is to be a bearing with one another. Your wife is not as accomplished as you. She's not as solid.
She can't juggle all her duties as effectively as you can. That's admitted. I mean, because you're you, right? Don't we as men at times think we can do it better?
Seriously. If we had a men's conference, you'd probably all say, I'm sure I could. I don't know how she doesn't get everything done just right. We could do our job and hers, too.
That's not the disposition we're supposed to convey in the name of Jesus to our wives. Is it? Forbearance. Forgiveness.
You see, the biblical standard, love your wives, is the sort of love that Jesus displays. F.F. Bruce says it this way, a husband's legal authority over his wife was such, this is in the first century context that Paul is writing in. He says, a husband's legal authority over his wife was such that she had little hope of regress at law for harsh or unfeeling conduct on his part.
You see, in the empire at this particular juncture, wives were supposed to be submissive to their husbands. There was a packeting order. There was a rule and a procedure, but she had no recourse for harsh treatment. He goes on to say, but such a situation should not arise in a Christian household.
The forbearance and forgiveness, which are enjoined in the preceding section of the letter, together with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, forbid a Christian man to be harsh in his treatment of anyone, especially of his own wife. Don't treat me better than your wife. Don't do that. Don't treat other people better than your wife.
Don't treat the ladies at work better than your wife. Treat your wife as the apple of your eye. Treat her as that blessed gift that God has given you. That's good to say that crown of her husband.
You know, man, I dare say if we had a conference and we started to talk and we got open, we probably complain more than we praise them. We probably whine and grumble more than we think that it's similar with the magistrate. We all know how to fix the government. Do we pray for the government?
We all know how to fix our wives. We all know how to do their jobs better. Do we ever just get on our knees and hold their hand and lead them to the throne of grace?
Christ as the Standard of Love
The biblical standard is Christ. Love your wives. Jesus loves one church particularly and exclusively. He is faithful in monogamous.
I always love that passage in the book of Ezekiel when God says, I'm going to take the desire of your eyes. I don't love it because Ezekiel was getting deprived of his wife, but I love that he had one desire of his eyes. Is he talking about her? Is he talking about him or her?
Is he talking about this girl at the work? I'm going to take the desire of your eyes. Ezekiel was probably an older prophet at the time, too. He still had eyes for his bride.
You see, Jesus is faithful. Jesus is monogamous. Jesus maintains intimacy with his church. Revelation 1, where is Christ to be found?
I love the book of Revelation. We're met initially with this greeting from the triune God. And it locates Jesus at the right hand of the Father. And it says that he is the ruler over the kings of the earth.
That just should get you fired up. How many times do people read Revelation and they forget that fact? They read Revelation and they see beast and beast. They see bad and bad.
They forget what John tells us about Jesus being the ruler over the kings of the earth in chapter one. But he's ruler over the kings of the earth. But where is he intimately located when John starts to write? He's in the midst of the lampstands.
He's with the church. He's ruler over the kings of the earth. He's intimately connected and he's present with his people as they gather together on the Lord's Day to worship God. So I think if you get Revelation one down, you'll wake up on Sunday morning and Psalm 122 won't be foreign to you.
You see, I was glad when they said unto me, let us go to the house of the Lord, because Jesus is going to be there. Jesus is in the midst of his land stands. Jesus is present. Jesus is, by his word, by his spirit, dwelling in the midst of his people.
That's the way a man is with his wife. It's intimate. He's with her. He's present.
He's not ashamed of his church. I mean, it's an interesting statement, Hebrews 2.11. It says that Jesus is not ashamed to call them brethren. Isn't that amazing?
He should be. Think about yourself. Think about me. Jesus should be.
We're wretched. But He's not ashamed to call us brethren. We ought not to be ashamed of our wives. Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.
You're my crown. You're my good thing from the Lord. Ladies, don't be offended by that good thing language. Solomon uses that.
It's legit for a man to say, you're my good thing. The way an ungodly man would say it. The way a godly man would say it. Jesus demonstrates His love.
I bet if your wife had spotlights placed upon her and the threat of rubber hoses bashing her, she'd say, yeah, yeah, He does love me. Do you ever tell her? Well, she knows I love her. She's probably not going to get tired of you telling her.
That's my guess. Maybe she's the one woman out there that says, you don't have to keep telling me you love me. I haven't met that woman yet. It's not the general report.
Not so loved the world what? That he gave his only begotten son. He didn't just say it, he demonstrates it. Well, she knows I love her.
Well, don't you love her? So I'm going to hurt her. She already knows it. I'm going to kill her.
Any of you ladies think it's going to kill you if your husband says, I love you, sweetie? No, it's not going to kill me. It's going to make me feel great. This is how Christ loves the church.
His love is sacrificial. Ephesians 5, 25. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church. And he did what?
He gave himself for her. Brothers, who masters this? Who's got this down? Who can say, oh, man, I'm so glad that Pastor Jim is hearing this from himself, because, boy, he needs to.
I do. All of us. Self-sacrificial love. And it's not just talk is cheap.
Jesus didn't say, I'm going to sacrifice myself for you and not do it. He really went to the tree. He really died. He really had thorns placed into his skull.
He really bled. He really agonized. He was really forsaken by the Father. All those things were true and reality and show and demonstrate his self-sacrificing love for his bride.
Now, here's that spot, ladies, where I would suggest and encourage you, instead of saying, man, he really needs to be listening. Man, I need to be lovely. I need to help him to love me. I need to encourage this in him.
I need to make this place somewhere he actually wants to come home to. You see, we each have a tall order. But we can do it, hopefully, this is my zany idea, that we do it together. You know, later on when it says that fathers aren't to provoke their children, Do you think Paul means it's okay for children to provoke their fathers?
Well, he didn't command me not to provoke you, Dad. No. He's speaking to particular issues that we're tempted to fail in. We are to help each other.
Jesus' love is calculated to promote health and strength, which is called nourishment. His love is calculated to impart warmth, which is called cherishing. You see, it's not just this sort of a rigor mortis approach. I love you, honey, in some stoic fashion.
I know this because I preach this sometimes. When I try to illustrate what love looks like, I oftentimes go to Romans 13, right? What's love? Well, don't murder people.
Don't commit adultery against people. Don't covet their stuff. Don't steal from them. Feasibly, a man could take Pastor Butler's message and go home and say, honey, I'm loving you because I'm not going out committing adultery.
I'm not stealing from you. I'm not embezzling your funds. Therefore, I love you. Let's couple it with the cherishing and the nourishing and the warmth.
I hope that would go without saying. I love you because I do this. I love you, honey. You're my wife.
I just want to gush all over you. Not in some weird way. You can get that other picture of the weird weepy guy too, you know. Paul's not advocating that necessarily.
We cry together a lot. I love my man because he weeps with me. He likes to buy purses with me. That's not necessarily the direction we want to go.
If you want to go out purse shopping with your wife, I won't judge you. You probably won't see me out pair shopping with my wife, though. Not that that's a requirement. But you see the thrust, the biblical standard of our love to our wives is to be tempered.
It is to be full orb. It is to find its strength first and foremost in the gospel of free and sovereign grace. It is to be cross centered, cross oriented, Christ driven. It is to be that nourishing, that cherishing, that sort of thing that Paul calls us to in Ephesians chapter five.
Specific Ways to Love Your Wife
Some specific areas that a husband displays this love. He prays for her, he prays with her. Spirituality is a concern. He encourages her in her Bible reading.
He encourages her in her church attendance. He encourages her in growth and grace and in the knowledge of the Lord Jesus. This is one of Paul's points in Ephesians 5, that the husband is to disciple his wife. She's to grow under his leadership.
She's not to stagnate. She's not to die on the vine. She's not to decay. She's not to dry up.
Rather, she is to blossom and to flourish and to learn more, to grow in the grace and in the knowledge of the Lord Jesus. Pray for her. Provide for her. If a man does not work, he does not provide for his own.
He's worse than an infidel. Go labor. Go work. Be gainfully employed and serve your wife and protect her.
Protect her from ungodly men. Protect her from ungodly influences. Protect her from ungodly doctrine. Protect your wife.
Is that what Jesus does for the church? Jesus serves a threefold office. He serves as prophet, priest, and king. One of the functions within that kingly office is that he defends his church.
He protects his church. He'll fight for his church. You protect the honor of your wife. You guard her.
You value her. You prize her. You esteem her. Those are just some areas that we can fill in the blanks on what does it mean to love our wives.
And then
The Prohibition Against Bitterness
notice, finally, the prohibition here. Do not be bitter towards them. Again, I truly believe, and I am convinced the longer I live as a Christian, that Paul speaks to particular temptations for us. It doesn't say husbands don't beat your wives.
Husbands, don't lock your wives in a closet. Husbands, don't care. No, he says, don't be embittered toward them. That's a tendency.
That's the remaining corruption. That's the, I know I can do this job better than her. What do you mean? I've been gone all day working, you know, 14 hours.
I've come home and dinner's not ready. I mean, we may not say it like that, but brethren, if my marriage is any indication, She knows what I'm thinking. Maybe we're just got some locked in thing going that no one else has, but I would suspect most women get that vibe. What do you mean it isn't ready?
Don't be embittered toward them. Why? Because it's going to rot your soul. It's going to affect her.
The kids are going to see it. Neighbors are going to see it. The world will witness it. But most of all, God the Lord who commands the prohibition of it, sees it.
Do not be embittered. Don't be bitter toward them. They're sinners saved by grace. They've got issues.
They've got challenges. They've got trials. They've got remaining sin. Don't be bitter toward them.
Fight the temptation. Fight the tendency. Encourage her. Love her.
Build her up. Esteem her. Pray for her. Pray with her.
Don't just say, how come you can't manage the home like Sister whoever? Why don't we get good food like your neighbors do? I'm sorry, honey. What do you mean this?
That's not godly. It really isn't. As much as we may think it is, and as much as they may need to hear it, it's not godly. Remember the book? on marriage that a man wrote.
This man I no longer recommend as a proven guide with reference to doctrine, but he got this right several years ago. He said, when you come home, and I know those of you who have been here for a while have heard this quote or this paraphrase, but I think it fits. When you come home, man, and the dinner isn't ready, and the kids are running around, they got, you know, fluids streaming from their, you know, their nasal areas, and they look like they haven't seen the shower for, you know, weeks on end, and your wife is frazzled, and everything's messed up. Avoid the temptation to give her a three-part sermon on time management.
You know, honey, if you got up three hours earlier, you know, if you ordered your day better, If you made sure you washed those clothes, if you made sure you got dinner in the oven by three. I haven't given this any thought, by the way. So just so you know, this is not biographical. Just getting lucky here.
If you did all of this, then at 530, we'd sit down as a normal, loving, clean family to hot food. And what could be better than that? He says she doesn't need that three-point sermon. She needs a hug.
Brethren, do not be bitter toward them. Right? Isn't that Paul's point? There's time for the three-point sermon.
There's time for the tapes, or CDs, or lectures, or MP3. Honey, I put some good things on your iPod. You need to listen to these. There's time for that.
There's place for that. In the midst of chaos, frazzle, and difficulty, she may just need a hug. Praise God that Jesus sometimes just gives us a hug. He forgives us.
He cleanses us. He washes us. He's kind and gracious to us. Let the wife make the husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave.
There's a good analogy of what I've been attempting to stress throughout the message, not just wives submit and husbands love, but wives help your husbands to love. Husbands, help your wives to submit. It's a good analogy in terms of apostolic ministry. Paul says to the Corinthians, moreover, I call God as witness against my soul, that to spare you I came no more to Corinth.
Not that we have, get this, dominion over your faith. Not that we have dominion over your faith, Paul says to the Corinthians, but are fellow workers for your joy. Paul saw his role toward the Corinthians, not as one who had dominion over their faith, but as a fellow worker with them for their joy. Your ladies, help your husband to love you.
Help your husband to do what he is called to do. Help your husband by making the home such a place that he wants to come back to. Are you the biblical woman who strives to submit to her own husband as is fitting in the Lord? Are you the woman that Paul is addressing here?
Are you the woman again, albeit imperfectly, Albeit with sin, albeit with struggle, albeit with difficulty, are you striving by the grace of God and the power of His Holy Spirit to do what the Lord God Almighty has called you to do in this passage? I dare say if that's the case, then His job will be exponentially helped in terms of loving you. You see, it's a complementary thing. When a wife submits, the husband loves.
When the husband loves, the wife submits. It's a beautiful thing. It really is. You don't need a social science degree.
You don't need a Ph.D. You don't need, you know, the latest seminar on 15 ways to please your man. Just do what the Bible says. Isn't that the final analysis in everything?
Ladies, are you being the woman that God has called you to be? If so, praise the Lord. God is pleased. God is happy.
God is glorified in that. And your husband is helped. Husbands, are you loving your wife? Is her Mount Everest submitting to you, not because of her own remaining sin, not because she's got issues, but because you're a real irritating person?
Again, I didn't read this in a book. I'm thinking in terms of my marriage. I don't make it easy for my wife. I remember a buddy of mine one time, he and I said, our wives have it really rough.
They got it really rough. Man, I think that as we understand that and we appreciate that, we will try to help facilitate them submitting to their own husbands. We were to get your wife along and say, what's the most Herculean task in your day? Submitting to him.
Now, I expect we'd hear that answer from every woman because that's the tendency. That's the difficulty. That's the rough. But let it not be because we're especially difficult.
We're especially hard. We're especially irritating. Is your wife happy when you come home? Is your wife happy when you leave? slam the door behind you, and all right, 10 hours.
That ought not to be the way it is. We ought to labor by the grace of God to take this new man ethic, yes, flesh it out in the corporate context, in the Church of Jesus Christ. There should be peace. There should be love.
There should be unity. There should be teaching and admonishing. There should be the Word of Christ richly dwelling in us in all wisdom. There should be hymn singing and psalm singing and spiritual song singing.
There should be all of this fleshed out in the body. We should be worshiping the Father through the Son, by the power of the Spirit. We should be distinctly and characteristically Trinitarian. In our worship on the Lord's Day Sabbath and in our homes, new men and new women in Christ ought to live in the manner that is consistent with verses 18 and 19.
Wives submitting to their own husbands as to the Lord in everything, because it's fitting. And husbands loving their wives, caring for their wives, cherishing their wives, nourishing their wives, willing to sacrifice for their wives. praying for them, providing for them, protecting them, being for them what God in Christ has called them to be.
Application and Gospel Appeal
If you follow the argument at all, you'll realize how much we stand in need of the grace of God in Jesus Christ. No accident, we sang a psalm of repentance or a hymn of repentance, the second one, God be merciful to me. How do we come face to face with a passage like this and not say, praise God for the cross? How do we come to a passage like this and reflect upon our own character and conduct as Christians and not praise God for what?
How in the world could we come to Colossians 3, 18 and 19, if we're a woman, and not say, praise God for the Lord Jesus? Praise God I'm not saved because of my submission, I'm saved because of Jesus' submission to the Father. How do we come to a passage like this as men and say, praise God, I know I'm not saved by the way that I love my wife. I'm saved because of the way Jesus loved me.
We need the gospel. You see, gospel, cross-centered life is what is necessary for us. as new men and new women in Jesus. It's as if Paul just takes the cross and plants it right in the midst of Colossae and says, your church life should surround the cross. Your family life should surround the cross.
So we'll see later on, parents, children, surround the cross. Employees, employers, surround the cross. Everything should be focused upon the cross. We need the blood.
We need Jesus. We need Him to cleanse us. We need Him to wash us. We need His self-sacrificing love.
We need His submission to the Father. We need His doing. We need His dying. We need His rising.
It is based on that reality alone that we have acceptance with God. It is through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. And if you are here this morning and you do not know that Lord Jesus, believe on Him. Look to the cross.
Look to Christ. Look to the Gospel by God's grace. believe, and you will be saved. Well, let us pray.
Closing Prayer
Father, we thank you for your Word. We thank you for the centrality of Christ in all of life. Help us, Father, to repent. Help us to take these things to heart.
Help us to prayerfully consider our conduct in light of Colossians 3 and grant us help and strength and faith and everything necessary so that we may indeed live as new men and new women in our homes. We just thank you that there is forgiveness with you, that you may be feared. We thank you that there is mercy and grace and kindness in you. We pray that we would go thou and do likewise, that we would demonstrate those virtues, those loving kindnesses to others as well.
And we pray through Christ Jesus, our Lord. Amen.