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Ask FGBC #34: How Much Marriage Counselling Should Pastors Provide?

Jim Butler · 2025-02-01 · 422 words · 3 min

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Summary

Qa

Pastors bear a genuine responsibility to engage in marriage counselling, beginning with the biblical commands of Ephesians 5, while wisely referring complex cases to qualified specialists.

A pastor and elder discuss the appropriate scope of pastoral marriage counselling, framing the pastor's role on the model of a general practitioner who handles common presenting problems but refers complex cases to specialists. Most marital conflict, they argue, traces back to a failure to obey the clear biblical commands of Ephesians 5 — husbands failing to love sacrificially, wives failing to submit willingly — making the pastoral response straightforward in principle even where circumstances are complex. The conversation resists both an over-medicalised model that sidelines the pastor and a naive model that refuses any referral.

Key quotes

I always liken pastoral ministry to your general practitioner, your family doctor. He can troubleshoot quite a few things, but sometimes people need specialists.
Usually, one or the other, or oftentimes both, aren't doing what God calls them to do.
It's not hands-off. I think it's very important that the pastor takes a kick at the can and tries to prescribe some helps and remedies and encouragements and definitely prayer for those people.

Applications

  1. Pastors should not adopt a hands-off posture toward struggling marriages but should offer biblical counsel, prayer, and practical encouragement before considering a referral.
  2. Husbands who are not loving their wives sacrificially as Christ loved the church should repent and begin obeying that command.
  3. Wives who are not submitting to their husbands as unto the Lord should repent and begin obeying that command.
  4. Pastors should cultivate a network of trusted specialist counsellors so that referrals, when necessary, are warm and informed rather than dismissive.

Questions this sermon answers

Should pastors provide marriage counselling?

Yes — the pastor should engage directly with struggling couples, beginning with the clear biblical commands, rather than immediately deferring to outside professionals.

What is the most common root cause of marital problems, according to a pastoral view?

Most marital conflict traces back to one or both spouses failing to obey God — husbands not loving their wives as Christ loved the church, or wives not submitting to their husbands as unto the Lord.

When should a pastor refer a couple to a specialist counsellor?

When the situation is complex enough that the pastor's general competence is insufficient, he should have trusted names and referrals ready rather than simply dismissing the couple.

All right, so we're back here to record more questions. This is batch number four. We've done some previous ones with Pastor Mike and with Dr. Renahan and Dr.

Rossellos. So, glad to have Pastor Cam with us. So, welcome here. Thank you.

Good to be here. Yes, this is question 34. We've already done 33. So, we'll see how many we get through.

So, this question, I'm not going to read the question that was given. I think it's just not something we should answer here. So I kind of rephrase this.

Questions and Answers

How much marriage counseling should pastors be able to provide? Like, should they? And they can't be experts on everything, as you say, right? I always liken pastoral ministry to your general practitioner, your family doctor.

He can troubleshoot quite a few things, but sometimes people need specialists. So if somebody needs specialists, then I think a good pastor has some names or numbers that he can refer people to, to get that more in-depth help for their particular problems. But I think for the most part, In my observation, it usually comes down to a failure to obey God. Either her husband's not loving his wife as Christ loved the church, or the wife is not submitting to her husband as unto the Lord.

Usually, one or the other, or oftentimes both, aren't doing what God calls them to do. So, I think that's a pretty You know, in terms of complexity, it's pretty simple response. You need to repent and obey God and do what he says in terms of your marriage. But as I said, there are complexities.

I think there are specialists and it's fine for people to go see that, seek that out. Marriage is messy, right? Because Paul writes back to Genesis 3. So there's a lot of nuances there.

That's right. But you got to be able to help them navigate that somehow. That's right. Yeah. not just reject and say, well, I'll go talk to the psychologist or counselor.

It's not hands-off, right? I think it's very important that the pastor takes a kick at the can and tries to prescribe some helps and remedies and encouragements and definitely prayer for those people. But as I said, sometimes it may need a bit more. You know, a pastor's busy, and I don't mean that in a bad way, but he's preaching to the whole church.

Yeah. Yeah, just look at that question. But yeah, let's leave it there. So awesome.

Thanks.

Scripture References

Study notes

Theological terms

  • Complementarian Marriage×2

Audience

  • pastors
  • elders